Motherhood is that heartbreaking conversation you have to have with your child when your cancer has returned, he's only 4. If anyone is equipped to have a conversation with a little person it's me, I do this for a living but holy hell it is so much harder when you have such dark thoughts inundating you; what if I don't get to see him graduate elementary school? What if I don't get to help him pick a college? What if I'm not there to cheer for him at all his events? I vowed not to go there, not now.
I sat my sweet innocent wided eyed boy down and said "there are bad cells in my knee now and we would have to do surgery," bless this sweet boy because he said "ok." I told him "Dr. Parker would have to take off my leg because of the bad cells." The only appropriate response popped out of his mouth, "how will you walk?" "I'll get a robot leg a little bit after my surgery." "A ROBOT LEG! All my friends will be so jealous because my Mommy has a robot leg." I can't even, I nearly died, God I love him so much.
One night this past week, when I was putting him down for bed, he asked me to come back and I said "before I go to bed I'll come back and check on you." He innocently said "but I won't know you are here if I cannot see you." Oh holy hell, I vowed to teach him where teaching presents itself. We talked about when someone is in our heart we do not need to see them to know they are with us. When you love someone so very much they are always in your heart. That seemed to satiate his innate curiosity.
Since that day we've had some conversations throughout the month here and there when appropriate, he seems to understand--I know there is no real preparing a child for something this life changing.
We have 7 weeks until the surgery. Over the next 7 weeks we will Disney, we will hike the mountains, we will ride bikes and we will love hard because that's all I know how to do.
Motherhood blog circle is a celebration of mother's through photographs. To continue on this journey follow this link to see Courtney's thoughts.